Ten minutes later, you’re hoofin’ it on the road. It’s a thirty mile hike in the rain with a full pack, including the dates for NOFX, Iggy Pop and Destiny’s Child. As you’re picking ’em up and putting ’em down, the sergeant has you and the rest of the troop shouting some old ditty to keep in step…

All I know is what I’ve heard

Radiohead ain’t been confirmed

Madonna’s cancelled in Cologne

Now she starts in Barcelone

Sound off!

1, 2…

Your feet cry out in pain as you finish the hike. Then it’s 500 push-ups in the yard while reciting the schedule for Clay Walker, followed by 500 sit-ups while naming all the venues controlled by SFX. You want to quit, but something deep down inside of you insists that you can make it, that you’re tough enough to see it through to the end.

Finally, the calisthenics are finished and you and your troop stand at attention for inspection. Chest in, shoulders out, the sergeant gets in your face, screaming the date and city while you shout out the event.

“May 24, Cleveland Ohio.”

“Kenny Wayne Shepherd!”

“June 30, Grand Rapids.”

“Seagram’s Gin Live!”

And so it goes…

It’s about this time that you start wondering if it’s worth it. Maybe yesterday you were a postal worker or an IRS data entry clerk, but that’s the past and your future is filled with schedules for Will Hoge and Patti LaBelle. They give you ten minutes for breakfast, popcorn and candy bars, before you’re back out in the rain doing 500 jumping jacks while chanting the ticket on-sales for Aerosmith and John Mellencamp. Then it’s more marching, more drilling and more Juan Gabriel dates. You silently cry out for the devil to come and take you now, for you’ve already experienced the depths of hell.

But you don’t quit. You want to be all that you can be. You want more than life, you want an adventure. You want to be the few, the chosen. And as the sergeant forces you and everyone else in your troop to chant the names of all the record labels that have been closed down as a result of the AOL Time Warner consolidation, you come to believe in yourself, that you, too can make a difference. Not only will you survive, you’ll come out of this victorious. You’ll master the new tours, including Fear Factory and the Porter Wagoner Show. You will win!

And that’s how we train our new employees at Pollstar.com.